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Free 30 minute consultation for new high-conflict divorce clients
Picking up the pieces and putting the puzzle back together following a separation or divorce seems almost impossible some days. If you are experiencing a high-conflict separation or divorce, trying to remain calm may seem equally impossible. How is it possible to speak with your high-conflict ex when all you crave is peace?
Most of us have heard of the 'gray rock' method of speaking, but it doesn't always work! Utilizing the gray rock method requires you to detach yourself, present as emotionless, and void of any meaningful thought. Practicing the gray rock method is not easy to maintain, and will often spark the high-conflict person into another battle with you.
Yellow Rock is best used when communicating in front of children or in court. But what is the 'yellow rock' method?
Using the yellow rock method is similar to the gray rock method, EXCEPT, you add a little more warmth into the responses and use 'I' statements.
This is key in supporting your children's development, as they, too, are trying to grieve their family unit and only hurt more when they see their parents arguing or cutting each other down.
Courts also do not like witnessing couples being void of emotion when appealing their cases. This indicates to judges that one person cannot be interested or bothered, which, in the court's eyes, is wasting their time.
Examples of yellow rock are:
Your ex says: 'It would be nice if you used all that support money for the kids instead of having their zippers broken on their coats! I had to fix the zipper when all you need to do is buy a new coat!'
Your response: 'That is great! Thank you for fixing the coat! I have told the kids you can fix just about anything!'
There is not much to come back with on this statement, as you have taken the accusation and turned it around into a positive statement in front of your children.
This method takes the steam out of any situation and prevents further conflict. Yes, it can be hard, very hard, when you are feeling attacked! With a little bit of practice, you can master a small technique to avoid heated moments when it really matters. In front of your children AND in front of a judge.
Using the yellow rock method is not being kind to the high-conflict individual. In fact, it is the opposite. You are effectively removing the poison and toxicity from the conversation. This allows you to take your power back and set an example for those who are witnessing the conversation. Children need at least one parent to be the healthy parent and set the example of communication. Teaching your children by example is the best tool you have available. Children live what they learn, and you can start teaching them at any time how to communicate with difficult people. They will experience it on the playground as much as they will experience it with their other parent, who is high-conflict.
Speaking with difficult people happens around us all the time, whether it is with a colleague, a boss, or a family member. Learning how to speak to them (not with them) will bring you the peace you have been craving. Speaking with high-conflict individuals is often not possible, so we need to learn how to speak to them.
Always remember, your situation is unique, your high-conflict ex is unique. Only employ methods that you feel are safe for you and your children. While the gray rock method often ignites the high-conflict individual, other types of personalities may think they are hurting you with their gray rock approach and become angrier if you deliver it back to them. The yellow rock approach is often the safest, BUT always use caution, especially if you have experienced violence in your relationship!
Your safety and the safety of your children is the primary concern, always.
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